One of the most upbeat songs I remember from my youth was “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing,” sung by Leo Sayer. The tune was peppy, the words were great, and I used to love to sing along at the top of my lungs as it played on the radio. The idea that someone in my life could make me feel so thrilled and exuberant was, as a child, always such a hopeful idea.
As I think about these words now in adulthood, I find the concept so alluring. Can we really “make someone feel” a certain way? Why do we give such power over to people – we let them make our days or ruin our days by their attitudes and the way they treat us.
I coined an acronym years ago: “CTS” – consider the source. Depending on the source of input or feedback about who we are and what we should believe about ourselves, they can make us feel really good or really badly. In other words, when my daughter says “I hate you,” I actually discount it because as a daughter she is supposed to hate me at times in order to develop and mature. But if one of my college students says “I hate you,” I want to understand why. What did I do to bring about such hostility? What about my style or approach could cause such a strong reaction?
At this point, with two teenagers in my house, I’m used to the slamming doors and the “You make me SO mad!” response when they don’t like my position on something. But I admit that I’m not used to having clients mad at me, or students yell at me.
What’s important is to recognize that often I haven’t done anything. The trigger that gets set off within that other person was sitting there waiting to be pulled without my involvement and support. If the student who hates me didn’t have me for a professor, they would likely find another professor to “hate мульти тул.” If the client who yells at me one day for doing something (or not doing something) had happened to be working with someone else that day, likely that other person would have incurred some kind of wrath.
Now, this isn’t to disavow myself of any culpability in these situations. I may be doing things that make clients mad or students hate me, but the more provocative idea is to look at what’s sitting inside of that person who responds. In a personal example, how can I get angry and upset with my nine-year-old when she is the light of my life купить тактические перчатки? Am I angry and upset in general and something about her behavior finally triggers me to react?
We really truly believe that the problem is out there. It’s the other person who made us do it – they are the “devil” in our lives. It wasn’t me – the sweet understanding person that I am; it was the nasty person who cut me off in traffic that caused my negative and unhealthy response.
But it is an unhealthy way to live, isn’t it? If everyone else out there has the power to change my mood or my response by their actions each moment of the day, doesn’t that mean I don’t have much of an inner strength and inner core? How can other people throw my emotions and my responses around so easily купити мультитул? How come I don’t have the ability to let their comments or negativity roll off my back?
The truth is that I do. Other people have no power to influence our attitudes or our responses. Sticks and stones can break our bones, but words should not have the power to hurt us купить набор кастрюль по акции. We can see the other person must be in pain when they lash out at us. We can see that their response or reaction isn’t making life any easier for them. We are an emotional punching bag at that moment. We provide a place to vent and lash out.
This week, commit to watching others in action. Don’t “own” the negativity they display toward you or throw at you. Use the exchange with someone who is negative to think objectively about what you have done to them, or if you need to correct something. But don’t take it on. Don’t let it define who you are купити сковорідку. Use objectivity and the “Interested Observer” role to watch what’s happening, but don’t allow it to penetrate your very being.